Selfish, Relationship Problem, One-Sided Love, Sister, Feelings, Hurt, Efforts, Jobs, Opportunities, Company: 13/01/2022, Thursday

 13:24

I am in the office. Going through a document provided by the company on scrum. Studying it. Tried calling my sister twice. She acts like she doesn't care. Every time I tried calling but she doesn't respond. But for once as I was in the meeting I couldn't respond she is like shit happens. She is a very selfish person. She is formal and practical which is totally fine. But for me who is emotional and sensitive, it is very wrong. She has used me for some time when she was all alone and needed someone for the concern. But it was all my fault that I was emotionally available. Now she is very busy in her own life partying, and working daily with the duties she doesn't need me anymore as she is having many persons around her. It was all my fault that I relied on her emotionally. Now she is happy with her own life I wish happiness for her. I just want to forget everything and doesn't want anything but still every time it uses to come up to mind destroying it in every moment. Also, I could not discuss it with anyone as they will judge me and will not understand me. I want to be happy. I stay happy for some time but then that person comes into my life again and we as a family do not believe in giving up on any relationships very easily. Also, the parents or elder brother would not understand it. Yes, their solution will be totally true not to think about it, it is non-sense and many more things which I know very well but still it just comes up in my mind all of a sudden affecting it. I am having the best life which many thinks of like I have my elder brother and my parents to take care of me. I have now got a decent job, I am having good food. So basically I am having everything good but still, I remain sad due to my loneliness. I don't know how to solve it exactly. I have to pretend to remain happy which I do and actually gets happy but in some time it gets break and boom I am again sad sometimes for no reason. I have also tried focusing on the good things but that also has gone in vain. The solution is just to be happy and think of it only but the thought comes up again and again. I also tried attaching sadness as I cannot watch a video/vlogs/movie/web series in the company which I can only watch when I get back home alone at night after everyone sleeps. But that also doesn't work well. I don't know what exactly is the solution. Life is too good for me if someone would be watching it in the third person. But I only know what battles I am fighting inside my mind.

13:41

I am also trying to listen to 2000's Bollywood songs which used to fall into my ear when I was small. But everything gets linked with my sister hurting myself. I am very weak mentally. I also have no control over the urine and toilet as well. I have to go many times when it is critical. I don't know what exactly the solution is. I am a very good and wise person but it is of no use.

15:46

Ok, so today all meetings almost got cancelled due to some reasons. I have not much work to do. But still looking around for scrum, and project management details. Also, I got a message from a connection of mine looking for an opportunity in accounting or finance. The profile reflects some work in social media so I forwarded one mail consisting of it but it's not much kinda use. So I will check around in my company if there is an opening? I have texted the person for it. So it's kind of tough everything. You don't know exactly what needed to be done. I am hoping that soon the day will come when I don't have to control my emotions or anything and I am very much ok from inside or outside.